We’re now firmly entrenched in the NFL off-season which means one thing: I’ve completely run out of shit to talk about. So to help spice things up around here, I’ve invited a special guest to discuss some the off-season’s more interesting stories and questions. Who is this mystery man you ask? Well that’s just the thing, you’ll never know. Basically think of him as the sports equivalent of The Stig from Top Gear. Some say, he shoots laser beams when he urinates. And that he owns a small unicorn ranch in Montana. All we know is, he’s got a mean leg sweep. Let’s get this started:
1.) Mike McCarthy wasn’t serious about that whole, “the Packers aren’t soft” quote, right?
JC: No way he was serious. The only time we see emotion and intensity out of the team is when they’re down by 20 or when Rodgers blows a gasket because McCarthy threw another challenge flag on a non-reviewable call. That said, I don’t think the skill players on offense are soft, which is who I think he’s referring to. But the defense is an entirely different story. Seems like Clay Matthews is the only guy who doesn’t get out-intensified each week.
BK: If he doesn’t think they’re a soft team, then I have no idea what a soft team looks like. I imagine a team comprised entirely of Andy Dick clones would be the closest thing to the Packers roster right now. I get that McCarthy isn’t going to call his guys a bunch of pussies in the media, but still. Let’s take a moment from analyzing pad level to look at bringing in some guys who actually enjoy tackling people.
2.) Rumor is that the Falcons and 9’ers are interested in Darelle Revis. Which team scares you more with him?
JC: Niners. The Falcons will always find a way to choke in the playoffs.
BK: Short and sweet. I like that. But you’re right. The Falcons could have cyborg versions of the 85’ Bears on defense and they’d still manage to fuck it up. The Niners on the other hand, terrify me with Revis. And not just because their defense is already stacked, but because you know Jim Harbaugh of all people, will get Revis to play out of his mind. I can’t imagine the things Revis would do after a Harbaugh pre-game speech and deathstare.
3.) Adrian Peterson has the chance to go from consensus #1 fantasy player, to 2nd rounder (or later) and now back to #1 pick. How incredible is that?
JC: Pretty amazing. A guy in my league drafted him with the ninth pick last year. We all laughed and mocked him all night. Guess what? He won the championship. I can’t think of a major athlete who came back better after having his knee explode like that. He must have had Mr. Miyagi giving him rubdowns three times a day.
BK: Either that or he was being dunked in a tank full of deer antler extract. In all seriousness, I don’t think it’s ever happened. Remember, LaDainian Tomlinson was the overall #1 pick for like 4 years straight. Then he fell off a cliff. You just don’t come back from the depths of the later rounds once you’ve fallen. What’s crazy is that both Peterson AND Manning could do it next season. That James Andrews is a goddamn warlock with his surgeries.
4.) The Pats have a crapload of cap room the next two years. The rest of the league is screwed, right?
JC: Pretty much the most terrifying news across the league. They draft well. They’re smart when it comes to free agents. Barring another Bernard Pollard killshot to Tom Brady’s knee, I’d say they’re poised for at least one, maybe two more Super Bowl appearances. Side note: I’m pretty sure Gronk is now my favorite player in the league. I’m surprised he hasn’t stolen the keys to Gillette Stadium and thrown a Grey-Goose-and-LMFAO-infused kegger at the 50 yard line yet. The best part about it is that he’s probably the best TE in the league, so it’s he can do whatever the F he wants as long as he scores 15 TDs a year.
BK: Gronk is easily my favorite non-Packer in the league. When you could read a headline that says ‘Gronkowski base jumps nude from top of Empire State building’ and not be the least bit surprised, you know you’re witnessing something great. As for the Pats, I’m actually surprised they haven’t done more. I thought Greg Jennings could go there. Or even Mike Wallace. They’ve been surprisingly quiet on the free agent front. Which means they’ll somehow wind up with Revis.
5.) Speaking of free agency, which signing do you like the most and which one do you hate the most?
JC: Best signing: Wes Welker to the Broncos.
This is just scary. Stokely tore up defenses last year in the slot and he’s 65 years old. I can’t imagine what Manning will be able to do with Welker. Sure, they need a solid running back a little more, but a receiving corps of Thomas, Decker, and Welker is awfully good. Since Manning’s injury, it seems he’s lost a bit of his deep ball, so having Welker around for quick hit routes is a huge advantage for him. Can’t wait to see this offense next season.
BK: Best signing: Percy Harvin to Seattle.
I like the Welker signing as well, but they’re getting awfully white at Wide Receiver. Not sure about that. Anyways, I’m still in shock Seattle landed Harvin (I know it was a trade, not a signing). If you had your choice of WR’s to add to the Seahawks, Percy Harvin is absolutely in the Top 5. The way he opens things up and is able to break off routes and turn otherwise shitty plays into great ones is incredible. Especially when you consider that his new QB does that exact same thing from his position. I’ll be honest, I’m REALLY jealous of the team Seattle has going right now.
JC: Worst signing: Greg Jennings to the Vikings.
Jennings to the Vikes is a horrible move for everyone. First, Jennings leaving Aaron Rodgers for Christian Ponder is just idiotic. Like, does he need money that bad? Does he hate Randall Cobb that much? Remember, he’s good buddies with Larry Fitzgerald and ever since he signed an extension to play with the likes of Kevin Kolb and John Skelton, he looks like a walking commercial for an anti-depression drug. As for the Vikes, you’re spending a king’s ransom on an aging, injury-prone WR who prefers going deep versus going over the middle. So the Vikings paired him up with a QB that – wait for it – can’t throw deep. Makes total sense.
BK: Worst signing: Jake Long to St. Louis.
One other thing on Jennings. Do you realize the Vikings had to show him a highlight video of Ponder to convince him that Ponder isn’t a shitty Quarterback? This seems like an obvious sign of the opposite being true. You think the Pats need to show WR’s highlights of Tom Brady? Anyway, my worst signing is Long. When a team (the Phins) is willing to let the #1 overall pick from 5 years ago walk, there’s an issue. And remember, Left Tackle is arguably the 2nd or 3rd most important position on the field. The fact that St. Louis had to put him through TWO full days of tests and interviews in which they likely asked, “Wait, are you SURE your ankle isn’t permanently effed up?” no fewer than 10 times, isn’t a good sign.
That wraps it up. Thanks for joining us Johnny. Now get back to the dojo.