At this point, the Vikings should probably just trade Adrian Peterson

vikes

Ever try a total bullshit trade in a sports video game like Madden just to see if the other team would say yes even though you knew they wouldn’t? Yeah, the Vikings hit ‘accept’ yesterday. If you haven’t heard the news, the Vikings did a very Vikings-like thing by hilariously trading away their all-world Wide Receiver/Runningback/Soul-Crushing Returner, Percy Harvin. As a Packers fan, this pleases me. Now, whether it’s denial or just plain idiocy, a number of people have come out as saying that this trade actually makes the Vikings better. Hold on for one moment.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Here’s the quick answer to whether it makes the Vikings better: Fuck and no. Yes, they got some draft picks in return. And yes, they made the playoffs last year despite Harvin’s missed games because Adrian Peterson took nightly baths in deer antler extract played out of his mind. But you don’t hand over a guy who’s a top-10 player at his position because of a little tiff with the team’s suits. If I may, here’s a brief history of how 99% of every “front office dispute” has been resolved:

Athlete: “I hate this team!”
Team: “Here’s a new contract”
Athlete: “My Twitter was hacked y’all. Much love to the [team] and the fans!”

Pretty simple. Instead of just giving him a raise, the Vikings chose to cut ties with one of their most talented (and young) players. So my question is, why stop there?

Adrian Peterson is 27 years old, takes a ton of abuse and is still just more than a year removed from a serious knee injury. Now, is Adrian Peterson an alien that will play well past the typical drop-off age for running backs? Possibly. But if you’re the Vikings, you have to seriously consider three things:

1.)   You suck huge donkey balls right now and likely won’t be good for a few years.
2.)   It’s been proven that featured running backs aren’t required to win a Super Bowl
3.)   Peterson’s value will NEVER be higher than it is right now

So don’t you have to at least make a few secret calls? Doesn’t one of your personnel men have to infiltrate Gillette stadium and leave a note on Belichick’s desk that says, Two 1sts, two 2nds, a 4th and Ryan Mallet… check one: Yes [ ] No [ ] Maybe [ ]

Who turns that down? Even if it takes a Herschel Walker-type offer, doesn’t Peterson guarantee Tom Brady two more rings? Or couldn’t a team equally on the cusp of a title like the Niners, Giants, Ravens or *begin sinister laugh* the Packers, clear enough cap space and give up enough picks to trade for him?

Is it a PR nightmare if the Vikings trade Peterson? Probably. But remember, this is the same team that in the last few years has been associated with the following things:

  • Brett Favre’s penis
  • The roof collapsing in the most dramatic fashion a roof has ever collapsed
  • Brad Childress being Brad Childress
  • Owner Zygi Wilf being one bottle of suntan lotion in his suitcase away from moving the team to L.A.
  • Randy Moss berating a lunch lady

And if that wasn’t enough, even the guy who types in program descriptions for AT&T knew they fucked up by drafting Christian Ponder (btw, I sent that in…my one claim to fame).

So my hunch is, Vikings fans would get over it. Maybe not Fran Tarkenton because he’s insufferable and basically a poor man’s Joe Namath at this point, but still. Vikings fans have been through enough.

What’s one more trade that would net you a crapload of draft picks and a chance to rebuild back to the glory days of the Culpepper roll, “Straight Cash Homey” and Gary Anderson field goals?

On second thought…

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