If I told you this weekend I’d be watching amateurs with ‘loose hips’ and ‘ball skills’ you’d likely tell me I could get that stuff for free on the Internet. But what I’ll actually be watching are dudes running around in their underwear. Wait, this isn’t starting out any better is it? Let me explain:
It’s the NFL combine!
Technically, the NFL combine started Wednesday, but the first couple of days are just spent answering bullshit questions from Jeff Ireland and taking tests that are somehow more comprehensive than just:
1.) Are you good at football? Yes/No. Circle one.
The real fun begins today, where future NFL hopefuls will be put through a gamut of tests including the 40-yard dash, bench press, 3-cone shuttle, vertical jump and the Harlem Shake. That last one might be made up. But while the NFL combine is certainly entertaining in a Perez Hilton kind of way, the terminology like ‘violent hands’ or ‘high motor’ can also be a bit confusing. So to help new viewers figure out some of the lesser-known phrases, I’ve put together this quick reference guide that will help you know whether you’re watching the combine, or if your kid figured out the parental lock on the TV. Here are just some of the terms that you may (or may not) hear this weekend:
Definition: An overweight player whose saggy man tits are exposed when working out without a shirt. See also: Andre Smith
Definition: A player who catches a ball with one hand and acts like nothing happened.
Definition: The nickname given to any white player who performs exceptionally well in the vertical leap test.
Definition: A player who shows up to the combine looking very different (shorter, heavier, etc.) than their player card would imply.
Definition: Oddly, these are compliments for a player who performs particularly well in athletic tests.
APPLEBEE’S HIGH ROLLER
Definition: A player who interviews poorly and is suspected will have questionable spending habits with their first contract. See also: Vince Young
Definition: A player who exhibits unusual agility and lightness on his feet despite weighing more than 300 pounds.
Definition: These players instinctively know where every camera is located and often look, smile or pose for them. See also: Dudes with a faux hawk haircut
Definition: A player teams are wary of because there’s a picture out there of him doing a naked keg stand at a high school party.
Definition: The move a player makes while running full speed and suddenly getting sideways in between pads.
Definition: A player who runs, or appears to be running slower than NFL Network anchor, Rich Eisen.