1.) Getting shitfaced.
2.) Eating an entire trough of taco dip.
While both are fine reasons to celebrate the conclusion of the NFL season, the marathon nature of the game can grow a bit stale right around calorie 9,000. So aside from the commercials, how do you make the nation’s most watched event a little more interesting? Drinking games, of course! Not only are they a great way to stay engaged if the game goes to hell, but they’re a more female-friendly activity just in case things like staging monkey fights or tackling each other through windows would be frowned upon. So without further delay, here are five topics to drink to during your Super Bowl festivities:
Jim Harbaugh’s Reactions
As we’ve already established, Jim Harbaugh is a maniac. Others mistake his batshit lunacy for ‘passion’ or him just being ‘fired up.’ This is wrong. But him coaching the Super Bowl? Oh so right. I honestly can’t think of another guy I’d rather see coaching the single most important game of his life than Jim Harbaugh. I can guarantee they have extra medical staff on hand just for him.
Becomes visibly upset: Drink!
Begins frothing at the mouth: 2 drinks!
Throws a piece of equipment: 3 drinks!
Stabs a ref with his own whistle: 4 drinks!
Phil Simms/Jim Nantz Announcing
The good thing about a Jim Nantz/Phil Simms drinking game is that you’ll eventually be so drunk you’ll forget you’re listening to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms. Which is important, because they’re about as terrible as it gets. Seriously, I’d rather listen to Brent Musburger after he took an entire bottle of Viagra. “Boy, would ya look at the mouth on her.” That said, if Nantz and Simms are good for one thing, it’s providing endless fodder to react to. Or in this case, blackout to.
Simms forgets the score: Drink!
Nantz forgets what year it is: 2 Drinks!
Simms fucks up the name ‘Kaepernick’: 3 Drinks!
Nantz falls asleep by the 2nd quarter: 4 Drinks!
Simms proposes to Tom Brady on air: Chug!
Ray Lewis does Ray Lewis things
It’s always fun to watch an athlete become a real life caricature of himself before your very eyes. Ray Lewis used to be a linebacker. Now he’s as Wesley Morris put it, “Matthew McConaughey playing Ray Lewis.” At this point I’m half expecting Ray Lewis to come out of the tunnel dressed in a preacher’s outfit. And with the media in full-on fellatio mode over his retirement, this is one drinking game you might want to just start now.
Forms a cross on chest with his hand: Drink!
Begins sobbing uncontrollably on the field: 2 drinks!
Drops a bible verse whenever a mic is within 10 feet: 3 Drinks!
Replaces Gatorade shower with holy water bath: 4 Drinks!
Heals the ACL of another player by touching his knee: Chug!
Alex Smith Being Sad
Has there ever been a guy under 30 and worth millions of dollars who looks more depressing than Alex Smith? Not only has he had to suffer through years of coaching incompetence, but now he’s become the Cap Rooney to Colin Kaepernick’s Willie Beamon. Make no mistake, CBS Producers are salivating at the thought of catching Smith crack a smile should Kaepernick implode. If not, or if you’re not familiar with what Alex Smith looks like, just look for the guy fashioning a noose near the 49’ers bench.
Looking depressed on the sidelines: Drink!
Forced enthusiasm after a good play: 2 Drinks!
Is mistaken for the towel boy: 3 Drinks!
Gets demoted from holding the clipboard: 4 Drinks!
Caught wearing a Ravens 2012 Super Bowl Champions t-shirt: Chug!
The Post-Game Handshake
By this point, you’ll probably be so in the tank that Phil Simms will actually start making sense. But if not, the post-game handshake between two brothers presents all kinds of possibilities. In most families, there’s likely to be some emotions that have been bottled up for the sheer sake of civility. But the Harbaughs? They seem like the types who would wear their Super Bowl ring to Thanksgiving just to piss the other guy off. So can you imagine if one runs up the score? Things could get really awkward. Or better yet -— violent.
They Western-grip handshake and hug: Drink!
An uncomfortable embrace lasts 5 seconds or more: 2 Drinks!
Jim storms off the field and no handshake occurs: 3 Drinks!
One is caught whispering, “You’re dead to me”: 4 Drinks!
THIS HAPPENS: Chug!!!
Enjoy the game, everyone.