5 drinking games to make your Super Bowl party awesome

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Let’s face it, unless you’re a fan of one of the two teams playing this Sunday, the Super Bowl is really only an excuse for doing two things:

1.) Getting shitfaced.

2.) Eating an entire trough of taco dip.

While both are fine reasons to celebrate the conclusion of the NFL season, the marathon nature of the game can grow a bit stale right around calorie 9,000. So aside from the commercials, how do you make the nation’s most watched event a little more interesting? Drinking games, of course! Not only are they a great way to stay engaged if the game goes to hell, but they’re a more female-friendly activity just in case things like staging monkey fights or tackling each other through windows would be frowned upon. So without further delay, here are five topics to drink to during your Super Bowl festivities:

Jim Harbaugh’s Reactions

As we’ve already established, Jim Harbaugh is a maniac. Others mistake his batshit lunacy for ‘passion’ or him just being ‘fired up.’ This is wrong. But him coaching the Super Bowl? Oh so right. I honestly can’t think of another guy I’d rather see coaching the single most important game of his life than Jim Harbaugh. I can guarantee they have extra medical staff on hand just for him.
Becomes visibly upset: Drink! nicubunu_beer_mug-1969px
Begins frothing at the mouth: 2 drinks! nicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969px
Throws a piece of equipment: 3 drinks! nicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969px
Stabs a ref with his own whistle: 4 drinks! nicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969px
Self-combusts: Chug! nicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969px

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Phil Simms/Jim Nantz Announcing

The good thing about a Jim Nantz/Phil Simms drinking game is that you’ll eventually be so drunk you’ll forget you’re listening to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms. Which is important, because they’re about as terrible as it gets. Seriously, I’d rather listen to Brent Musburger after he took an entire bottle of Viagra. “Boy, would ya look at the mouth on her.” That said, if Nantz and Simms are good for one thing, it’s providing endless fodder to react to. Or in this case, blackout to.
Simms forgets the score: Drink! nicubunu_beer_mug-1969px
Nantz forgets what year it is: 2 Drinks! nicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969px
Simms fucks up the name ‘Kaepernick’: 3 Drinks! nicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969px
Nantz falls asleep by the 2nd quarter: 4 Drinks! nicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969px
Simms proposes to Tom Brady on air: Chug! nicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969px

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Ray Lewis does Ray Lewis things

It’s always fun to watch an athlete become a real life caricature of himself before your very eyes. Ray Lewis used to be a linebacker. Now he’s as Wesley Morris put it, “Matthew McConaughey playing Ray Lewis.” At this point I’m half expecting Ray Lewis to come out of the tunnel dressed in a preacher’s outfit. And with the media in full-on fellatio mode over his retirement, this is one drinking game you might want to just start now.
Forms a cross on chest with his hand: Drink! nicubunu_beer_mug-1969px
Begins sobbing uncontrollably on the field: 2 drinks! nicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969px
Drops a bible verse whenever a mic is within 10 feet: 3 Drinks! nicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969px
Replaces Gatorade shower with holy water bath: 4 Drinks! nicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969px
Heals the ACL of another player by touching his knee: Chug! nicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969px

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Alex Smith Being Sad

Has there ever been a guy under 30 and worth millions of dollars who looks more depressing than Alex Smith? Not only has he had to suffer through years of coaching incompetence, but now he’s become the Cap Rooney to Colin Kaepernick’s Willie Beamon. Make no mistake, CBS Producers are salivating at the thought of catching Smith crack a smile should Kaepernick implode. If not, or if you’re not familiar with what Alex Smith looks like, just look for the guy fashioning a noose near the 49’ers bench.
Looking depressed on the sidelines: Drink! nicubunu_beer_mug-1969px
Forced enthusiasm after a good play: 2 Drinks! nicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969px
Is mistaken for the towel boy: 3 Drinks! nicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969px
Gets demoted from holding the clipboard: 4 Drinks! nicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969px
Caught wearing a Ravens 2012 Super Bowl Champions t-shirt: Chug!nicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969px
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The Post-Game Handshake

By this point, you’ll probably be so in the tank that Phil Simms will actually start making sense. But if not, the post-game handshake between two brothers presents all kinds of possibilities. In most families, there’s likely to be some emotions that have been bottled up for the sheer sake of civility. But the Harbaughs? They seem like the types who would wear their Super Bowl ring to Thanksgiving just to piss the other guy off. So can you imagine if one runs up the score? Things could get really awkward. Or better yet -— violent.
They Western-grip handshake and hug: Drink! nicubunu_beer_mug-1969px
An uncomfortable embrace lasts 5 seconds or more: 2 Drinks! nicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969px
Jim storms off the field and no handshake occurs: 3 Drinks! nicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969px
One is caught whispering, “You’re dead to me”: 4 Drinks! nicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969px
THIS HAPPENS: Chug!!! nicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969pxnicubunu_beer_mug-1969px

Enjoy the game, everyone.

2 comments

  1. How many drinks do we take when Ray Lewis literally ascends into heaven after the game? I think the odds of it are pretty good.

  2. I think that qualifies as a chuggable action. Extra shots if he sprouts wings in the process.

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