5 signs your team is doomed

If the owner of your team is Jeff Loria, it’s time to abandon ship

If you’ve ever been to a Miami Marlins game, there’s a reasonable chance that sitting next to you was a large, obnoxious, douchenozzle of a human being that had all the characteristics you’d expect from a shady used car salesman. That was the zillionaire owner of your baseball team, Jeff Loria. If this seems surprising, it shouldn’t be. Because unless your name is Mark Cuban or Jerry Jones, most team owners are relatively unassuming people. I went to a Bucks game once and sat three seats away from the owner and Senator, Herb Kohl, and not once during the entire game did someone come up to bother him. Now most likely, it’s because he’s old as shit and everyone assumed he was sleeping, but still. Most team owners aren’t that recognizable in public. Take Paul Allen for example (owner of the Blazers, Seahawks and co-founder of this little company called Microsoft). He could bankroll  the construction of an actual Death Star and if he sat next to you at Starbucks, you wouldn’t know it. So what does it mean when your owner starts making headlines and occupying more of the limelight than the team itself?

It means your team is SCREWED.

Just ask Washington Redskins fans how well their team has done under the perpetual shit-stirring ownership of Daniel Snyder. Obviously, this puts casual fans in a relatively precarious position. You want to support your team, but if you’re not paying close attention, you’re susceptible to getting blindsided by moves like the ones Jeff Loria just made this week. So how do you know whether to stick with your team or move on to supporting one worthy of your hard-earned dollars? Simply look at the ownership. If they’ve exhibited any of these tell tale signs, find another team to root for. Because yours is definitely going to donkey punch you any day now:

1.) They only care about making money

Brats are $15. The bun is an extra $5.

Obviously, owners don’t get to be billionaires by not focusing on opportunities for profit. But when it’s abundantly clear that the team’s success takes a backseat to revenue, it’s time to move on.

2.) They only sign bargain bin players

“Everyone please welcome our new quarterback – Jeff George!”

This is a two-part problem. Trying to find value in a player overlooked by other franchises is one thing. But awful owners will sign terrible players and then try to convince their fan base that, “Hey! This team is going to be really good, you guys.”

3.) They don’t know shit about sports

“This guy here is dead.”
“Cross him off then.”

It’s a fact that most owners make their money from other investments. But the last thing you want is an owner so detached they can’t tell the difference between a homerun and a touchdown.

4.) They think money fixes everything

A mistake a lot of rich owners make is thinking their financial power in everyday life translates directly to their team’s success. Having a shit ton of money might help you buy friends and cover up dead hookers, but it won’t get you any more wins.

5.) They don’t listen to the fans

LOL Eff these people.

It’s true that if owners or GM’s took every shitty idea by armchair quarterback fans into account, every team out there would be just like the Yankees. But at least appeasing the fan base and giving them some glimmer of hope to grasp onto is important. It’s also the complete opposite of what Jeff Loria did when after using taxpayer money to fund a new stadium, he held a EVERYTHING MUST FUCKING GO sale and traded half the team with all the decorum and nonchalance of a honey badger:

Loria don’t care what you think of his team.
Loria trades his players when he wants.
Loria’s nasty ass don’t give a shit.

It’s not too late, fans. If your team ownership exhibits any of these signs, just run and never look back. There’s still room on the Packer bandwagon.

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