NFL Analyst Power Rankings

During halftime of the NFL Network’s Thursday night game a couple weeks ago, Deion Sanders, in what sounded like an attempt to apply some Word of the Day to his analysis of the game, made the following statement:

“It behooves me why Alex Smith isn’t throwing deep to Randy Moss.”

Now, I don’t think you need a Webster’s handy to know that this sentence makes no fucking sense whatsoever. You could almost see another hair fall from Rich Eisen’s head. While this made me want to break things around my house when thinking about what Sanders likely gets paid, it also made me think: Where do I fill out an application, NFL Network? Because I’d be happy to do all the things ‘Prime’ does on TV for way less -— smile, nod, come up with terrible catch phrases, sing, and laugh at stuff like I’m at the Def Comedy Jam. Sounds easy enough to me. Now, I may not have his well-moisturized complexion or blinding veneers, but here’s what I do have:

A GRASP OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

Fortunately, there are some analysts that actually know what they’re talking about. Or at least, some that know how to talk. And to salute them, I present to you the second installment of the NFL Analyst Power Rankings:

Mike Mayock

You want to date my daughter? I’ll fuckin’ KILL YOU understand?

PROS: Second best draft guru behind Mel Kiper Jr.’s hair. Provides insightful on-air color commentary. Creator of annual new buzzwords that could either be terms for an NFL draft prospect or a porn star: (violent hands, explosive burst,  loose hips).
CONS: PERPETUAL OLD MAN, GET-OFF-MY-LAWN DEATH STARE

Eric Mangini

PROS: One of the smarter, more articulate on-air people working in sports. Willingly gives up dirt on the Patriots and Jets. Caused Skip Bayless to melt down on television.
CONS: Looks like he’d have really bad gas all the time. Disastrous coaching career.

Brian Billick

PROS: Unabashedly loves the Packers. Spawned one of the most successful coaching trees of all time from early 2000’s Ravens teams including Rex Ryan, Mike Nolan and Mike Smith.
CONS: Sounds just like Will Ferrell’s ‘voice immodulation’ character.

Mike Pereira

PROS: Okay, so he’s not really an analyst. But Pereira should be an inspiration to us all. He scored the easiest job in the world: Go on TV once or twice a game to either say, “The refs are right” or, “The refs are full of shit” and explain why. Pereira makes the weatherman in San Diego’s job look taxing.
CONS: Kind of a dick about it. Has the benefit of hindsight while judging other judges for a living.

Tom Jackson’s Corpse

AKA: Weekend At Berman’s

PROS:  Tom Jackson really brings nothing to the table anymore other than his remarkable feat of enduring Chris Berman’s awfulness for all these years. This is more of a recognition for lifetime achievement.
CONS:  Clinically dead for at least 5 years.

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