Here’s a free piece of advice to all you future politicians out there. Vow to fix everything wrong in sports, and you will win your election. This isn’t even debatable. And yet each election, every politician takes the same approach — kissing minority babies, smiling for the cameras, coming up with useless slogans and
lying talking about the same issues like health care, taxes, education and jobs. But what about topics “The people of this country” really want to know about? Like their fantasy football team or why Joe Buck is still allowed to talk? Can you imagine if the replacement refs were still being used and one of the candidates swore to put the real ones back to work? GUARANTEED VICTORY. It wouldn’t even matter which political party they belonged to. Why? Because the replacement refs swung something like seventy gazillion dollars in sports betting. And gambling, people, is just plain ol’ AMERICAN.
Unfortunately, the only sports ties today’s candidates have is one can make a layup, and the other is named after something you catch a baseball with. Not exactly a ringing endorsement for either. But who’s to say some future President won’t be a former professional athlete that gets it? After all, Minnesota and California elected Jessie fucking Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger to Governor’s seats. If you’re counting, that’s a third of the main cast from the movie, ‘The Predator’ running entire states. Can we really be that far off from Magic Johnson being elected President and immediately painting the White House purple and gold? I think not. But in addition to making good sports decisions like sticking the New York Jets with Mark Sanchez for life, a President still has to demonstrate several key traits that pander to the common voter. So to find out which current-day athletes would make the best leader of the free world, I broke it down into five categories. They are:
Category 1: MOTIVATOR
Representative: Ray Lewis
I harp on Lewis a lot for coming off contrived and opportunistic in his on-field persona. Oh, and he killed a guy. But murder not withstanding, I would totally vote for Ray Lewis. I watched the NFL Network’s ‘A Football Life’ on Lewis and by the end I was ready to run through a goddamn wall. The guy could fire me up to wash dishes or do my taxes. If Ray Lewis were our President, we’d all be way more productive. Plus, no one would fuck with America with Ray Lewis in office.
Category 2: BIBLE THUMPER
Representative: Tim Tebow
There’s definitely a rolodex out there for politicians that lists key words to include in any speech or conversation. They are: God, Freedom, Jesus, Economy, Christian Values and Terrorism. See a trend there? So while Tebow has been ridiculed for his sometimes-gratuitous on-field salutes to the man above, it’d likely get him showered with nothing but votes and adoration in an election. Because if your candidate isn’t praying at least five times a day, he’s definitely the devil, you guys.
Category 3: FENCE SITTER
Representative: Dwight Howard
Part of being a politician is to try and get everyone to like you by telling them all the right things, even when you’re conspiring and plotting against them behind their backs. This is Dwight Howard. The guy who played the perfect game of “Will he, won’t he?” for years in Orlando before becoming embattled in an ugly controversy that divided the organization. Sounds just like a politician to me. On a side note: I love the thought of having a 7’1 black guy that wears Steve Urkel glasses in office. I’d absolutely vote for D12.
Category 4: LOOPHOLE FINDER
Representative: Ryan Braun
Ever notice how politicians are masters of saying one thing, but technically meaning another? This makes Ryan Braun a great candidate. The guy whose legal team found one of the great loopholes in sports history by getting Braun exonerated of performance enhancing drug charges because some guy delivered his piss to the lab an hour late. If Braun can manage that, just imagine what he could do with statistics in office: “Jobs are up 20 percent*”
*Among people who were sole candidates for the job they applied for.
Category 5: UNAPOLOGETIC LIAR
Representative: Nick Saban
Okay, so maybe he’s not technically an athlete. See what I did there? But sometimes, conviction and a ruthless demeanor are more important than things like the truth. And no one fits the bill quite like Saban. He told Miami he was going to stay their Head Coach and then bolted for Alabama like three days later. It was one of the biggest Fuck You moments in sports history. It didn’t win him any favors or any friends. But hey, two National Championships. Roll Tide. And Roll America.