30 slogans for NBA teams

NBA teams have it rough these days. The league alienated half its fan base a decade ago because of a subpar talent pool, scandals galore and rising ticket prices that turned a game dominated by black 20-somethings into an event only old rich white guys can afford on a regular basis. The NBA. Where Irony Happens! Because of all this, league attendance has been dropping like a Ginobli flop for the last seven years straight. So what can NBA teams do to draw interest when half of them legitimately have no shot at winning shit? Here’s a list of what some NBA teams have done:

  • Installed huge fucking jumbotrons
  • Hired strippers for cheerleaders
  • Brought in better halftime shows (see above)
  • Introduced better food in the arena
  • Started giving away free tickets

Aside from that last one, these are all pointless. And if you’re the Charlotte Bobcats, not even freebies will get fans to show up and watch Michael Jordan smack his gum like a clydesdale for four quarters. So how can you get people fired up about coming to see your team if you’re an NBA owner?

A SLOGAN, MOFO.

More than any of the things listed above, a good slogan can set the tone for the coming season. Plus, it lets your fans know that even though you sucked balls last year, THIS YEAR IS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT, YOU GUYS. SB Nation did a solid job of breaking down the categories most slogans fall into, but generally speaking, it’s some kind of local faire-speak, combined with a motivational twist. As a Bucks fan, I actually appreciated 2009’s ‘Work Hard. Play Hard’ slogan. It sounded like something Scott Skiles would actually say in a huddle as he belittled one of his players for not enough ‘hustle’ or ‘scrappiness.’ Then last year came along and we had, ‘Be Milwaukee.’ This spawned a myriad of spoofs like, ‘Be Drunk’, ‘Be Fat’, etc. And now in 2012, we have – wait for it – ‘Your Ticket to Amazing.’ Jesus. When you have to borrow the NBA’s slogan from 2007, it’s safe to say things are not moving in a positive direction. So to help fans get a sense of what they can expect in 2012/2013, here are new slogans for the Eastern Conference NBA teams:

Toronto Raptors: Building Europe West

Milwaukee Bucks: Go! Pack! Go!

New York Knicks: A New BegLinning

Boston Celtics: One Last Run. No, seriously this time

Orlando Magic: Finally clean (By Florida standards)

Philadelphia 76’ers: Praying for Duracell Battery Night

Brooklyn Nets: New town. New grace period.

Chicago Bulls: Rose Went to AP’s Surgeon

Miami Heat: In Spite of Spoelstra

Indiana Pacers: Still Mostly White

Detroit Pistons: Imported From Mediocrity

Charlotte Bobcats: Hey Seattle!

Cleveland Cavaliers:

Atlanta Hawks: Someone’s Gotta Grab the 8 Seed

Washington Wizards: Like David Blaine With More Torture

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