Here’s an idea for anyone wanting a cheap, easy Halloween costume this year: Buy a 49’ers hat, a black sweater, some khaki’s and a coach’s whistle. Then proceed to berate and spit on people for the tiniest mistakes, working yourself into such a spastic frenzy that people start looking for the nearest defibrillator. Voila, you’re Jim Harbaugh! Seriously, I always thought the first person to ever die on a football field would be a player. But after watching last night’s 49’ers/Seahawks game, it’s clear that Jim Harbaugh’s head is definitely going to explode any game now.
I don’t exactly know how or when it’s going to happen. I just know that any time a 9’ers game is on now, I tune in because I love seeing Harbaugh’s batshit crazy reactions. And because I know there’s a very real possibility that Harbaugh will either self-combust, or he’ll rip the heart out of a referee’s chest like Kano from Mortal Kombat. There’s real entertainment value beyond the game when the 9’ers play. Which, is kind of necessary because the 9’ers are quite possibly the most boring team to watch of all-time. If I were a 9’er fan attending a game, I’d be doing everything in my power to antagonize Harbaugh just to get my ticket money’s worth. Anything to make watching Alex Smith throw five consecutive checkdowns more tolerable. That said, you have to love a coach with the kind of unhinged intensity Harbaugh brings. So before he has a coronary at the 50-yard line, let’s celebrate the five phases (and faces) of this lunatic:
Level 1: CONFUSION
Part of being completely irrational is seeing something most people would consider obviously one way, completely different. So for Harbaugh, this face often occurs after a play that would otherwise render no reaction from non-psychopaths.
Level 2: MILD DISAGREEMENT
Facial expression translation: “Hello fine sir, I’d like to voice my side of the argument and posit why I believe your opinion is complete and utter bullshit.”
Level 3: FLIPPING THE FUCK OUT
Easily the most entertaining phase of Harbaugh’s process. Notice how we go from the previous phase of, “I seriously disagree” to complete, petulant rage and throwing shit? Harbaugh’s blood pressure accelerates faster than a Lamborghini.
Level 4: COMPLETELY MAD
This is basically Harbaugh doing his best Heath Ledger as the Joker impression. It’s part malevolence, part incredulity, part sinister laugh and part, the-wheels-have-completely-come-off-and-he’s-going-to-kill-someone.
Level 5: WHAT JUST HAPPENED? I BLACKED OUT
This is the, “Is there something seriously wrong with him?” stage. A fact I heard somewhere that I’m too lazy to look up: A common character trait among the clinically insane who commit violent crimes is they don’t actually believe what they did was wrong. Guess what? We’re definitely headed that way with Harbaugh.