I’m not sure how to say this, but you’re just the goddamned worst. This was supposed to be our year. We had a clever name (Jacquizz In My Pants) a (seemingly) solid draft and a narrow 2nd place finish last year that kept us hungry to make “the leap.” Everything was shaping up for a banner year for the Kennedy-led team of fake football commodities. But no. You had to go and ruin everything. Now I feel like Rex Ryan — an overconfident dick whose team couldn’t score against Savannah St. So rather than sit by while you continue to crush my dreams for yet another year, here are 10 things I hate about you:
1.) YOU’RE ALL INJURED
A red “D.” A red “Q.” A red “O.” My roster sheet looks like the acne-filled face of a 15-year old who just dipped his head in a vat of bacon grease. Basically, everyone on my team is injured in some capacity. If you could draft a fantasy training staff, mine would be the Cleveland Browns.
Most coaches today are too afraid to grind their high-priced running backs into the ground with a ton of carries. As I knew he would be, Marvin Lewis is just too stupid to adopt the running-back-by-committee philosophy. Thing is, it hasn’t mattered. Because “The Law Firm”, despite being one of the few featured backs in the league, has sucked anyway. I’d honestly rather have a real lawyer as my running back.
3.) You’re 2nd in the league in scoring
And in second to last place. I haven’t even taken the time to do the math on how this is even possible because frankly, I’ll just end up drinking. But seriously, I’m really starting to think that there’s something to the whole “Defense wins fantasy championships.”
4.) Dwayne Bowe’s fat face
I’m a busy guy, so sometimes I base decisions based completely on arbitrary factors. So when two weeks ago someone offered me Calvin Johnson for Matt Forte and Dwayne Bowe in a trade, I clicked ‘accept’ faster than the “Are you 18?” button on websites that I’ve never visited*. My rationale was simple: Forte was injured, it’s Calvin freakin’ Johnson and LOOK AT DWAYNE BOWE’S FACE. From the neck up, he looks like a black Chase Daniel (frat-boy bloating from nightly 12’ers of BEAST LIGHT). Did I realize he was having a decent season? Sure. But surely someone with an ESPN image like that couldn’t actually be outpacing Calvin Johnson…..fuck.
*I just learned my mother in-law is following this blog…
5.) Your projected point totals are horseshit
I’m convinced the guy in charge of listing these for ESPN is just fucking with me at this point. Oh look, it’s Chris Johnson going up against an army of assassin cyborg linebackers from San Francisco. I’m sure he’ll still get 18 points. I mean, he’s Chris Johnson! Start him with confidence.
6.) John Harbaugh hates you guys
Either that or Ray Rice slept with his wife. These are the only theories I can come up with that would explain why Harbaugh refuses to use Ray Rice (my player) more often. Up by 7 and need to bleed the clock? I know, give it to Joe Flaccid for another 3-yard out route that winds up exploding the Gatorade bucket on the sidelines.
7.) You, Matt Ryan
He’s given my team some decent points, but I’m not proud of it. In fact, I couldn’t hate Matt Ryan any more. First because of his terribly off-rhythm head bobbing in the Dirty Bird version of the NFL’s Play-60 spot. And second, can we just ditch the Matty Ice nickname in favor of Natty Ice? Until he wins a game worth a shit, he’s going to be a cheap version of an actual elite QB.
8.) You’re the result of too many fantasy “experts.”
Fantasy gurus are basically glorified versions of “How to win at poker” books. In other words, completely worthless. But for some reason, I get suckered every year into listening to roundtables of these carnival-level psychics talk about, “When you own a guy like AJ Green….” Newsflash: There’s only ONE A.J. Green, assholes.
9.) Three of you play for the Cincinnati Bengals
Here’s the list of uber-successful redheads of the last 50 years:
1.) Ron Howard
That’s it. Don’t get me wrong, I actually really like Andy (The Red Rifle) Dalton. But history is working against him being a top-tier QB. Which doesn’t bode real well when you have THREE players that are a part of the offense he’s running.
10.) You’re proving John Madden right
John Madden hasn’t produced a coherent sentence that doesn’t involve, “I love Brett Favre” in more than 10 years, let alone make an accurate prediction. But every year, Madden gets to smugly play the “I told you so” card by casting his curse on some player that’s unfortunate enough to get voted onto the cover of his video game. This year? Calvin Johnson (the guy I just traded for). Enjoy your one touchdown and impending case of polio, Megatron.