Seaside Expansion

Fall in Wisconsin is one of the best times of the year. Vibrant colors. Mild weather. And of course, football season. It also means we’re about three weeks away from freezing our collective balls off when winter decides to show up out of the blue and pull the “Boy, living here isn’t so bad” rug out from under us. After that it’s just depressing. Which leaves only a handful of ways to cope with the bitter cold and assholes who have somehow forgotten how to drive in snow after just six months. For me, those are:

  • Gorging myself on sugar, carbs and sugary carbs
  • Wearing hoodies/sweaters to conceal my seasonal obesity
  • Having the NFL and NBA seasons in full swing simultaneously
  • Getting awesome shit for Christmas
  • Watching all the best shows on TV

And that’s it. No, that’s really it. Those five things are what keep me going. And sadly, the last part is about to get a little less interesting now that we’re officially on the last season of Jersey Shore. And let’s get one thing out of the way — if you don’t like Jersey Shore, just settle the fuck down. Everyone gets all high and mighty every time the show gets brought up like somehow ‘The Bachelor’ or any of the nineteen ‘CSI’ shows that exist are any better. The number one argument I hear against Jersey Shore is always the same, too:

“GAAAAWD, I feel like my I.Q. gets lower just by watching it.”

Here’s a newsflash for you: If you’re watching TV to get smarter, you’re watching for the wrong reasons. No one ever won a MacArthur genius grant or a Pulitzer Prize for their recap of ‘Extreme Makeover: Home Edition’. People watch TV for entertainment. And Jersey Shore is entertaining. Ever go to the Zoo and find yourself entranced by watching the tigers pace back and forth for 20 minutes, just hoping to God one of the gazelles accidentally make their way into the den? Same concept. Only you know what’s more fun than watching animals act like animals?

PEOPLE ACTING LIKE ANIMALS.

Unfortunately, the show has also run its course with its current cast. While the first few seasons were fascinating, the show jumped the shark once they all went to Italy and realized that actual Italians were for the most part, modest, well-mannered and pretty innocuous people. Basically, NOTHING like they were. So to help come up with the next cast of Seaside Heights dysfunctional misfits while still filling the character archetypes represented by the current cast, I looked to the most popular, testosterone-filled soap opera on TV — the NFL.

Original character: J-WOWW

Replacement: Peyton Manning


At first glance, you wouldn’t think there’s much in common between a Quarterback from Louisiana and the girl who’s sole purpose on the show is to cause people to wonder, “Did she get ANOTHER boob job?” But think about it. Both are just shadows of their former selves due to multiple surgeries above the shoulders. Manning can barely throw a high-school level spiral. And J-WOWW’s face looks like she’s determined to give Joan Rivers a run for her money.

Original character: ‘The Situation’

Replacement: Terrell Owens


Getcha popcorn ready because the most instigating, douchebaggiest locker room/house cancer is about stir up all kinds of trouble. Really, there couldn’t be a better doppelganger for Mike than Terrell Owens. Both are old as shit. And at one point, were vital pieces of the puzzle before they alienated everyone around them to the point of resentment, hate, and then just wanting them to go the fuck away. Defining characteristic: Abs

Original character: Ronnie

Replacement: Ndamukong Suh


If I told you one of these guys was going to seem like a friendly, level-headed and even-keeled person, only at any point in time, they can snap into a raging, hulk-smash tirade of throwing cars and killing animals with their bare hands, you’d have NO IDEA which one I was referring to. But hey, the NFL has that steroid thing totally under control. Maybe the only difference is we’ve seen Ronnie regularly break down into a sobbing baby that complains about life despite being overpaid for pretty much doing nothing. Wait, that sounds exactly like Suh.

Original character: Deena

Replacement: Aaron Rodgers


Clearly, Deena is nowhere near Rodgers’ level in terms of overall value, but let’s not forget, both had controversial predecessors. For Rodgers, it was Favre. For Deena, it was the notorious Angelina (aka: The Staten Island Dumpster). In both cases, both original parties wore out their welcome before those around them decided, “You know what? We’ve had enough of your shit. Please leave.” The transition resulted in not only far less drama, but an upgrade in overall performance.

Original character: Pauly D

Replacement: Rob Gronkowski


Gronk is the most logical replacement for Pauly. They both really love the club. Both have discernable talent compared to others around them. Both spend every god damn minute of the day with their shirts off. And both seem like genuinely nice guys that actually realize how good they have it. Basically, they’re the glue guys. Not only are they important, but they’re necessary. Without Gronk, the Pats offense fizzles. Without Pauly, Jersey Shore has no fun-loving guy and the show is nothing but misery, tanning and Sammy dodging beds thrown at her head.

Original character: Vinnie

Replacement: Aaron Hernandez

Not only do they look alike, but Vinnie plays the Hernandez to Pauly’s Gronk to a tee. They both play the exact same role/position as Pauly/Gronk – just not quite as good.

Original character: Sammy

Replacement: Jay Cutler

When people say, “WHOA what the fuck was THAT?” any time you crack even the slightest smile, you might be a little uptight. Which is why  Smokin’ Jay Cutler filling in for Sammy ‘The Sweetheart” makes perfect sense. First, everyone around them legitimately hates their guts. Seriously. They’re insufferable, apathetic, pouty human beings that cause a whirlwind of passive aggressive drama everywhere they go. We can only hope Ndamukong Suh decides to tantrum-stomp him at some point.

Original character: Snooki

Replacement: B.J. Raji

One eats up blockers. One eats up everything else. I think we’re done here.

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