Analyst power rankings

One of the downfalls of the NFL becoming the behemoth it’s become is that every former NFL player or coach now has a job as an analyst. No shit, I heard Mike Ditka, who I’m positive was either asleep or half in the bag (because it was 8:00 a.m.) give this piece of sage wisdom yesterday morning on ESPN’s Mike & Mike radio show:

“When the special teams receiver catches a punt or a kickoff, the goal of the defense, is to tackle him to the ground.”

Whoa, really? I had no idea. I thought the goal was to verbally demean the player until he takes a knee. Seriously, this is the kind of hard-hitting “insight” we get from most analysts these days. So to help separate the “MEN FROM THE BOYS” I give you the first official NFL Analyst Power Rankings:

Steve Young 

Pros: Truly gives a shit about the integrity of the game. Called Roger Goodell out on national TV.
Cons: Quite sure he’s had multiple strokes trying to produce a coherent sentence. Consistently looks like Nick Nolte’s mug shot despite a team of professional hair and makeup people.

Cris Collinsworth

Pros: One of the few guys you feel like you know more after listening to him. Was one missed call by a replacement ref away from saying, ‘This is BULLSHIT’ on air.
Cons: “Back in MY day.” “When I was playing. “If I was out there.” Cris, you were a poor man’s Ed McCaffery and that’s being polite. Plus, you’re 107 lbs. Ed Reed would decapitate you over the middle if you were playing. Slow your roll on the “Me” stuff, Collinsworth.

Michael Irvin

Pros: Extreme levels of cred. One of the few truly elite-level players that contributes in an insightful, “here’s how a player views it” kind of way.
Cons: Looks ready to slash any one of his fellow analysts or co-hosts throats at any given moment. Likely carries a weapon at all times.

Michael Lombardi

Pros: Former Raiders GM, gives an inside look at how a franchise operates, how players are judged, etc.
Cons: Was the GM of what was consistently the laughing stock franchise of the last 20 years.

Merril Hoge’s necktie

Pros: Holy shit look at that thing. I mean, the width. The girth. The assortment of colors.
Cons: Absolutely none.

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6 comments

  1. I think that’s what makes message boards, blog chat sites, etc. all that more important for fans because we can get some unabashed commentary. For years now, all you get from these talking heads is a litany of one-liners, coach/player speak that is so nondescript that it makes their commentary meaningless. Just words flowing out of their mouths.

    How many times can we hear,” The goal of a long sustained drive is to get first downs”….really? or the ” you have to put up more points than the opponent, if you want to win”…enlightening. The list could go on and on but then again, my drivel is no different than theirs, so I won’t waste anymore of your time.

  2. I see Heat hasn’t banned you here Bud………………………..LOL
    Nice site Heat, we miss you Bud

    1. I appreciate the Heatseeker….Brendan is a believer in the 1st amendment….that makes him an even bigger hero in my eyes.

  3. where’s my post

    1. It will eventually show up. BK has to take it into the back room , sanitize it, correct the grammar and spelling and then craft it in a way that speak to his blog goodness. See, he learned that from his buddies over at PC. Dominate the conversation. Control it like it was communist China and then pass it off as the best Packer chat site in the world…..just joking. Brendan is the man. You can tell from his writing. Dude’s got game.

  4. I disabled the whole ‘moderator has to approve’ setting for comments. For now. Likely, I’ll be flooded with offers for HOT webcam action soon. But for now, everything goes.

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